War of the Universes
by Yuzuru's-Angel
Summary: The Ultimate Crossover of Cartoons! Stan Marsh, Hank Hill, and Evil Monkey are chosen to represent Humanity in a universal battle for supremacy! Wielding powerful blades of legend, will these three be able to keep Humanity alive? Why is a monkey representing Humanity anyways! More than just these three shows will be present, most likely. Rated T for Violence and Language.
1. The First Hero

**War of the Universes**

_**Hey hey! Here's my first Crossover fic; Hope you like it!**_

_**Extended Summary: Hank Hill, Stan Marsh, and Evil Monkey are chosen to wield powerful weapons and represent Humanity in a universal battle for domination. Along the way they'll meet new friends, new enemies, and they will all learn many things about themselves.**_

_**Please Read, Review, and Enjoy!**_

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE**

**The First Hero**

Panic was spreading across the town of South Park, Colorado as a large dimensional rip appeared in front of City Hall. Screams of terror rang out from every corner of the town from people who seemed to suspiciously share the same voice actors.

A local news crew was at the scene of the portal, seemingly not caring about its dangers at all. Stan and his parents were both tuned in, watching the report.

"Tom, I'm standing here next to the dimensional rip, which is literally sucking in everything and anything near it," the on-the-scene reporter Chris Swollenballs reported. "Oh my god! It's a woman and her child!"

Chris and the cameraman turned to see a woman holding onto her child's stroller, being pulled in closer and closer to the rip. "No! Nooooo-" Her voice cut off as she was sucked into the vortex along with her child. The camera panned back over to Chris.

"That was a prime example Tom of what we're dealing with here. Experts have stated to say that-"

Chris Swollenballs continued to report on the scene, completely oblivious to the large rat-like creatures leaping out of the void, running amok and sinking their teeth into anything in sight.

"-and, Tom, I'm getting word now... Yes... Yes, it appears that large Human-Rat creatures are now exiting the portal and killing everything in sight. We'll try and get a shot here." Chris turned back towards the vortex to find one of the rat-men in front of him. "Oh god!" The rat-man lifted him into the air and ripped him in half, his entrails spilling all over the ground. It then started to approach the cameraman, who starts to back up.

"No no no no-"

The rat-man leaped at the cameraman, and the camera fizzled, then cut back to Tom Pusslicker at the news desk.

"We seem to be having some trouble on the field. We'll be the first to report any new developments to you during our five o'clock news hou-" Tom was cut off as an extra-buff rat-man leaped across the screen, biting into his neck and taking him to the ground. The image cuts away to a picture of a moose wearing a top-hat with the message, "Having Technical Difficulties!"

Randy Marsh turned the TV off, in disbelief.

"Oh...Oh my," Sharon said.

"Holy shit," Stan said, "does this mean Almost Human's not coming on today?"

"Stan Marsh! The town is dying, you can't worry about some stupid TV show," his mother said angrily to him. "Tell him Randy!" She looked at Randy expectantly.

"No...Almost Human?" Randy stood, looking at the ground in disbelief. "But it just started! It's not fair! It's not fairrrrr!" Randy yelled at the ceiling. He threw the remote out the window beside the front door. Little did he know, one of the rat-men was outside of their home, and it pelted him right in the head. It stood in the window, staring at them. "Oh crap," he muttered.

The rat-man squealed at them, crawling through the window. "Run!" Randy led the way towards the back door and Stan and Sharon followed. Once they exited the back door, more rat-men were running their way on all fours just ahead of them.

"This way!" Randy ran to the right and they followed. They moved through the houses back onto the street, where everyone was running around chaotically, cars crashing into buildings and telephone polls.

"Stan!" Stan turned to see Kyle coming his way.

"Dude! Where are your parents?"

"I don't know! We got separated! What the hell's going on?"

"You gahhs! You gahhs!" They all looked down the street. Cartman was running their way, or, rather, waddling very quickly their way, with several rat-men on his tail.

"Cartman! We gotta do something," Stan said.

"I say we run!" Kyle ran off in the other direction.

"I second," Randy stated, running after Kyle. Sharon then followed. Stan sighed, following them, looking one last time over his shoulder at Cartman as he is tackled and violently mauled by the rat-men.

"You f*ckin' jewssssssss," Cartman cried as they ran off.

The group continued on, coming to South Park Elementary. "We can hide in here!" Randy ran up to the school doors, trying to open it, but they were locked. "Damn it! Why's it locked?"

Mr. Garrison looked down at them from a second-floor window. They all looked up at him. "Get out of here! You're gonna bring them here!"

"Let us in Mr. Garrison! We're gonna die," Kyle pleaded.

"F*ck you kids, go find your own hiding place," Mr. Garrison said. Suddenly, Butters' dad popped up from beside Mr. Garrison.

"Yeah, get out of here!"

The group turned and ran off. When they did, Mr. Garrison and Butters' dad went back down, out of sight, making questionable noises.

"Oh god, where do we go? Where do we go?" Randy ran about, every which way, trying to think of places to hide.

"We can hide out in the mall," Kyle suggested.

"Good idea! Let's go!" Stan started to lead the way, but Kyle's mouth gaped and he pointed down the road.

"Dude!"

Stan stopped and looked at where Kyle was pointing. Down the road, a tall, extra-buff rat-man was walking around, smashing street lamps and cars, gobbling people with one gulp. Kenny could be seen, sticking his head out from a bush.

"Kenny! Come with us!" Stan beckoned to Kenny, who looked from them to the rat-man. He then took the chance and leaped from the bushes, running their way. As soon as he did, the large rat-man took notice and leaped at him. "Shit, Kenny look out!"

Kenny turned and was grabbed by the rat-man. He proceed to squeeze Kenny so hard with both hands that Kenny's insides began to squeeze out of his eye and ear holes.

"Oh my god! He killed Kenny," Kyle exclaimed.

"You bas-" Stan was cut-off as a rat-man leaped out at him, pinning him to the ground, snapping for his neck while he struggled, trying to push it off.

"Get off my son!" Randy ran up to the rat-man, punching him in the face. The rat-man squealed and ran off. Stan got up, watching him run off.

"Wow dad, you're a badass!"

"All in a day's work, now let's go!"

As they ran, a thought came to Stan's head. "Wait! Mom, Dad, where's Shelly?"

"Nobody cares Stan, just keep running," Randy said.

The group reached the mall parking lot after an unexplained amount of time. There were several people already crowded outside the entrance. Once they reached it, they realized that the people were trying to get in, but a group was already inside, holding them at bay.

"Hey, what's the big deal?" Stan approached one of the men trying to get in. He turned to him. "Excuse me, why aren't they letting anyone in?"

"They're trying to watch Almost Human by themselves!"

"What! Those bastards!" Randy joined the man in the crowd, pushing and shoving, trying to get into the mall.

"We're dead," Kyle said.

"Pretty much," Stan agreed.

A squeal from behind made everyone at the front of the mall turn. Behind them was an army of rat-men, slowly approaching them on all-fours.

"Oh god," a random lady screamed.

"We're dead! We're dead," a random man yelled.

"No!" Randy stepped out in front of the people, facing them. "We can't let these things have their way. This is our town! Our townnnn!" Randy raised a fist, and the crowd did the same, cheering. He turned and pointed towards the rat-men. "Let's kick their asses!"

The crowd ran forward. "No, dad, wait!" Stan reached forward towards his dad, but, as the crowd ran past, Randy was still in the same spot.

"Ha, dumbasses. Now let's sneak into the mall," he said, the people getting massacred by the rat-men. One of them sighted him though, running at them. It leaped onto Randy's back, chewing his neck. "Gahhh!"

"Randy!" Sharon ran forward to help her husband, but another rat-man leaped onto her, pinning her to the ground and biting her throat. She ceased to move after mere moments.

"Mom!" Stan tried to run forward, but Kyle grabbed hold of him, stopping him.

"No! You'll die too!" Kyle held Stan back, who was starting to cry. Randy was able to throw the rat-man off of himself, but his neck was spurting out blood, and he fell over to the ground. The two rat-men turned their attention to the boys, slowly coming their way. Suddenly, two gunshots came from behind, blowing the heads off of the rat-men, their bodies falling over, limp. They turned around to see Kenny's mom and dad standing in the doorway to the mall.

"We got you boys," Kenny's mom said.

"Come on in! Almost Human hasn't started yet," his father said.

Kyle started for the door, but turned to Stan, who approached his father. "Stan, we have to go inside, now!"

Stan knelt beside Randy, who was still concious. He placed a hand on Stan's shoulder, bleeding profusely, twitching a bit.

"Staaaan...Avenge meee..."

"I...I will, dad," Stan said, tears streaming down his face.

"Go... To safety..."

Stan stood, backing away from his father. The rat-men had finished slaughtering all of the other people, and started to come their way.

"Hurry Stan," Kyle called."

Stan turned and ran for the mall entrance.

"Avenge meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Randy coughed up some blood and twitched violently. "Ughhh ueghhh aughhh... ugh..." He laid there, his breathing starting to cease, and- "Uahhhhh! Gahhh, gruahhhhh!... Ugh, ugh..." … And, as his body finally lay at rest, he- "Bluahhh! Guahhhh! Bruaghaghaghaghagha! Ugh." For god's sake, he's dead.

As Stan neared the entrance, a rat-man tackled him, making him land face-first on the concrete. He tried to crawl away, but the rat-man grabbed hold of him.

"Stan!" Kyle tried to run out, but Kenny's mom and dad quickly pushed him back, blocking and barricading the door...

Then, in that moment, a bright pillar of light shot down from the sky, landing upon Stan. The rat-man squealed, running away. The light was so bright that all of the rat-men nearby covered their eyes, pained by it. Stan suddenly began to float up into the sky. He looked up, then down as he ascended into the sky.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-" Stan's voice started to fade as he got higher and higher into the sky...

And eventually disappeared.

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**In Chapter Two: The Second Hero**


	2. The Second Hero

**War of the Universes**

**Chapter Two: The Second Hero**

Hank Hill was falling. Falling through an empty world, unable to move his body, unable to shout, just watching the darkness all around himself...

A faint voice called out to him. It was unrecognizable at first, but, as it grew louder, Hank realized that it was from his friend, Dale.

"Haaaaaaank... Haaaaaaank."

Through the darkness, a large figure approached him. As it grew near, Hank felt terror throughout his entire body as it slowly became recognizable...

It was a large, floating mass of lasagna with Dale's face.

* * *

_Ring ring._

Hank opened his eyes, but sleep overtook him once more and they closed once more.

_Ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring._

"Damn it," he muttered, sitting up and reaching towards the nightstand for his glasses. After putting them on, he slung his legs around the bed and reached for the phone, picking it up. "Hello?"

"Hank! Hank! You gotta come quick!" It was Dale.

"Uh, Dale, it's two o'clock in the morning."

"Exactly! There's still time! Come over qu-" Dale's voice fizzled off.

"Dale?" Hank looked at the phone as the signal cut off. He sighed, hanging up the phone. His wife, Peggy, got up on one arm, rubbing her eyes at him.

"What's the matter Hank?" Her voice was groggy from sleep.

"I don't know, Dale's excited about somethin'."

"Probably just another opossum," Peggy said, rolling back over and closing her eyes. "Just go back to bed," she said through a yawn, her breathing becoming shallow once more.

Hank would've liked to do just that, but something was bugging him. His dream, the same one that had plagued him for many nights now, and the call he had just received. Were they connected?

Determined to find out the answers, Hank got out of bed and walked over to the closet. Upon opening it, he began to look through his assortment of white shirts and light-blue jeans, all of which were the same, but he could tell the differences that nobody else in the world would be able to point out.

After getting dressed, Hank quietly made his way through the house to the front door, walking past the kitchen where Bobby was sitting on the counter, digging in to a large tub of chocolate ice-cream. Hank backed up back to the kitchen and looked at him.

"Bobby? What are you doin' son?"

"Uh, science experiment?" Bobby gulped down the ice-cream in his mouth after talking.

Hank sighed. "Damn it boy, put that up and go to bed." Hank shook his head and went to the front door, proceeding to leave the house.

Bobby never stopped eating the ice cream.

* * *

Hank drove his red Ford F-250 to Dale's, arriving there in no time at all. Pulling into the driveway behind Dale's pest-control van, Hank noticed the garage was cracked a little. As he stepped out of his truck, Dale stuck his head out from the garage.

"Psst! Hank! In here!"

Dale lifted the garage a bit, looking around suspiciously. Hank ducked into the garage, and Dale put it down low again.

"What is it you wanted to show me?"

"Hank, you're never going to believe this! There I was, driving down the road on a nightly patrol, when suddenly: This huge rat ran past the van!"

"My God, not this again Dale."

"But this time it's true I tell you! Look!" Dale moved over to a small ice-chest nearby, opening it and pulling something out. He brought it to Hank and showed it to him. It was a large curled-up, pink toe of sorts with a claw at the end.

"Bwahhh! What the hell is that?" Hank took a step back.

"It's one of its toes! I chased it down to Strickland and I cornered it! It put on one hell of a fight, but I snagged the stupid rodent!"

"How does that prove anything?"

"Just look at it!" Dale waved the toe in Hank's face. He moved back, knocking it out of Dale's hand. It landed near the garage. "It's pretty crazy. Probably the chemicals the Government's been putting into the atmosphere, mutating local rodents!" Dale bent over to pick up the toe, but, suddenly, something reached into the garage and grabbed it, scampering off. "Hey!"

Dale lifted the garage, a shadowy figure running off quickly.

"It's him, Hank! Let's go!" Dale quickly ran over to his van, hopping into the driver's seat. Hank reluctantly got in, and Dale backed up and quickly drove off.

"Dale, I hate to say this, but I think you've gone off the deep end again."

"No, you're right Hank. With this discovery, I'm in the deep end! The Government's gonna be all over me after this. So, once I kill it, it'll have to stay in your freezer!"

"Hwat? Keep it in your own damn fre-" Hank was cut off as something suddenly leaped onto the windshield of the van. They both yelled, and Dale, unable to see anything, began to swerve around, eventually running straight into a tree...

Hank looked up, his vision blurry and his head a bit fuzzy. He held onto his head, looking over at the driver's seat. Dale wasn't there. Hank groaned, unbuckling his seat-belt and opening the van door, stepping outside.

"What the hell happened..." Hank stumbled out from the van, which was completely smashed in the front. The airbags hadn't deployed at all. Hank opened the compartment to find a lot of bug sprays and cigarettes. "Damn it Dale... But that does explain a lot." Hank grabbed one of the bug sprays, examining it.

Hank never saw the large figure approaching him from behind, almost twice his height, until its shadow loomed over him from the nearby street-light. He turned and looked up at it. It was a large rat-man creature, staring down at him with pure-black eyes.

"Bwahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Hank quickly sprayed it in the eyes with the pesticide. It squealed, rubbing its eyes, and he ran. After a moment, he looked over his shoulder to find the rat-man was gone. Suddenly, he ran into somebody and he turned to them.

It was Dale. "Hank, did you see it too?"

"Mother of God, what was it?"

"Told you I wasn't crazy! Everyone always doubts the crazy man. They said all the harmful chemicals in my van and my house were killing my brain, but look whose crazy now!" Dale threw his hands up in the air, hollering in joy...

That's when Hank noticed something... Odd.

"Uh, Dale. You seem to be bleeding a bit."

Dale dropped his arms, feeling his neck, looking at the redness now on his hands. "Oh yeah, I guess. We did just get into an accident, ya' know."

"Then what's that?"

Hank pointed at Dale's nose, where a small strand of something that appeared to be, perhaps, a noodle was hanging down. He snorted, slurping it up into his nose.

"Who knows. Let's just get out of here before the feds show up," Dale said.

"Dale, we have to tell somebody about this, right now. I've been your friend for a long time running, and I've put up with a lot of your crap, so, right now, I have to say: You are not crazy." Hank continued on, unaware that the rat-man was slowly creeping up on him. Dale listened, nodding, smiling, ignoring the large rat-man coming up behind Hank, its claws reared back...

In that moment, before the rat-man struck, something flew down from the sky, slamming into the ground behind Hank, slicing off the rat-man's head. Hank turned, yelling and backing away from the scene. The object was a longsword, with what appeared to be the top of a propane can at the base of its handle.

"God dangit, I'm done with all of this," Hank said, shaking his head and walking past it.

"Wait up, Hank!" Dale growled after him, walking up to the sword and grabbing the handle. As he did, it electrocuted him. "Gah, what the-"

"You comin'?" Hank turned to Dale, who stepped back from the sword, grabbing his head, seemingly in pain. "Dale?" Hank moved forward to help him.

"No, get away from me! It's... It's taking over, Hank!" Dale fell to his knees. What appeared to be blood started to pour from his eyes, nose, and ears, but, looking closer, he realized that it was more pasty, like tomato sauce. Hank watched in horror as Dale's skin began to melt into a sort of goop, his human structure becoming nothing but a pile of peach sludge with a red hat. Noodles began to seep through his body like a big tangle of spaghetti, before weaving together like a basket and forming, to Hank's horror, a large lasagna. Dale's glasses fell to the ground, shattering.

"What... Did I die in the crash? Is this hell?" Hank sighed. "I knew I should've gone electric."

The large mass of lasagna suddenly began to float in the air. Noodle strands came out from its sides, wiggling about as if it were its arms.

"Hello, Hank Hill. At last, we can meet in person."

"What the hell are you? Oh god, listen to me, I'm talking to a lasagna!" Hank shook his head.

"You are a threat to my people, and you must be punished." It began to slowly float towards Hank.

"Stay away from me!" Hank looked around, eventually settling on the sword. He grabbed it by the handle and pulled, but it didn't come out of the ground. He put both hands on it and started to tug on it. The lasagna's pasta arms extended out towards Hank, who continued to pull, and pull, and...

Finally, the sword came loose from the dirt, coming up and slicing through the noodle arms. The lasagna growled, pained by this. Hank looked at the sword, surprised by how it seemed to weigh nothing in his hands.

"**You shall perish!**" The large lasagna flew at Hank, who lifted the sword up to protect himself. The lasagna flew right at him and got sliced in half by the sword, spewing tomato sauce all over Hank's shirt and pants, though the two halves came back around, coming for Hank again. The sauce on Hank's clothing began to sizzle and corrode it. He realized it was acidic. "**It ends here, Hill!**" The lasagna halves grew closer and closer and...

Suddenly, a bright pillar of light came down from the sky, enveloping Hank. The lasagna hit it and was knocked back. Hank looked up, holding the sword towards the sky.

"God, now there's aliens? Dale was right about everything!" Hank suddenly started to float up towards the sky, kicking his feet in surprise. "Bwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-" His yell eventually disappeared as he ascended past the clouds above...

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**In: The Third Hero**


	3. The Third Hero

**Chapter Three**

**The Third Hero**

"HUAHHHHHHHHHHH."

"HUAHHHHHHHHHHH."

"HUAHHHHHHHHHHH."

Peter groggily walked out of his bedroom, completely in the nude, towards the fire alarm. He started to poke it. "C'mon... Stop it."

"HUAHHHHHHHHHHH."

"Come onnnn..."

"HUAHHHHHHHHHHH. HUA-HUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Peter walked back into the room, coming back out with a shotgun.

"HUAHH-" The fire alarm cut off as Peter unloaded several shots into it, blowing off part of the ceiling as he did. Lois quickly ran out from the bedroom.

"Peter? What the hell?" Lois sniffed the air, which was becoming a bit fogged. "Where's this smoke coming from?"

The two quickly went down the stairs, stopping half-way as they saw that the entirety of the living room was on fire. Meg sat on the couch, twiddling her thumbs, staring straight ahead.

"Uh... Hey Meg." Peter slowly started to move down the stairs.

"Hey," she said simply.

"How's...How's school been?"

"It's alright."

"Cool, cool. So uh... How's-" Peter is cut off as Lois pushes him to the side, running over towards Meg.

"Meg, what the hell did you do?"

"Nothing much."

"Nothing much? The house is on fire! Oh my god, Stewie!" Lois quickly ran back upstairs.

"Oh my god, Chris!" Peter also ran back upstairs towards Chris's room. Once there, he busted into the room, and Chris sat up, startled.

"Dad?"

"No time Chris!" Peter moved over to Chris's bed and flipped it over. Chris landed underneath it. Beneath his bed was a large box full of porno magazines. "It's alright babies, it's alright," Peter said, stroking the box before running out of the room.

In the hall, Peter met up with Lois, who was holding the sleeping Stewie in her arms. "Where's Chris?"

"He's coming, let's go!" Peter led the way down the stairs, but they stopped as they realized that Meg was standing at the bottom of it, glaring up at them. "Uh... Hey Meg. How's school been?"

"Shut up, fatass."

"Meg! What's come over you?" Lois looked at Meg worriedly.

"Where's the monkey?"

"What?"

"The monkey!"

"This one?" Peter held up one of the porno magazines which featured a monkey eating a banana on the front cover.

"**NO!**" They were surprised by Meg's deepened voice. Suddenly, her head turned a full 360 degrees, and her skin began to change to a purple-tint. Her limbs fell off and large octopus-like tentacles erupted from her body in their place. Her torso and head began to shape, forming together into the most disgusting, gelatinous, horrifying-

She was an octopus. A small, purple octopus wearing a pink hat and glasses.

"Somehow I always knew," Peter said, a tear coming to his eye. They ran past Squid Meg towards the front door, the entirety of the living room engulfed in flames, quickly running outside. They made it out to the lawn and turned, watching the house continue to burn.

"Wait, where's Chris?"

"He'll come out eventually. Just like that time he shut himself in his room after realizing he was fat," Peter said. They stood there for a moment, staring blankly at the fire, remembering the event, before coming back to reality just as the top floor of the house exploded into flames, and Chris leaped out the window, landing on the car, blackened from the smoke. He looked up at them.

"Hey Mom. Hey Dad." He then face-planted back into the car.

"See?"

"Oh my god, Peter! What happened?" Joe Swanson rode up to them.

"It was Meg. I don't even know how to explain it," Lois said.

"She's an octopus," Peter stated.

"Oh. Somehow that makes sense. Well, did you call the fire department?" Joe looked at Peter and Lois, who exchanged glances. "Yeah, you lost everything."

"Not everything!" Peter looked down at the box in his hands. Chris weakly walked up to join them, a bit singed and blackened.

"Peter!" They turned towards Quagmire as he ran up to them. "Oh thank god! The porno's okay!" Quagmire pet the box. "It's okay babies."

"Well, Peter, your family is always welcome to stay with-" Joe stopped as his wife, Bonnie, ran up to them. "Bonnie? What's the matter? Where's Susie?"

"I don't know what happened Joe, she turned into some... thing and attacked me!" Behind her, their house suddenly burst into flames as well.

"Oh my god!" Joe quickly rushed into the house. Bonnie looked over at Peter, who was still naked.

"Um, Peter, you're-"

"Yeah, let's all act like this hasn't happened before," Peter said. Suddenly, Joe's house collapsed. Bonnie gasped.

"Joe!" Bonnie ran towards the house.

"Bonnie, wait!" Lois reached out to her. As Bonnie grew near to the house, something leaped out of the flames onto her face, enveloping it. It was a small, purple squid, much like Meg... But it was obvious that it was their daughter, Susie.

From the Griffins' house, Squid Meg leaped out from the flaming wreckage, now three times bigger than before, slithering their way. They turned and quickly ran down the street, away from their daughter. Quagmire stayed.

"Heh, hey there Meg. I've done two legs, hell, even four legs, haven't had eight legs yet though." Meg stopped and looked down at Quagmire for a second... Then she grabbed hold of him with her tentacles and stuffed him into her mouth as he yelled. As she continued on after her family, Quagmire said faintly from inside her, "...Giggity."

Spooner Street was in ruin. Houses were on fire, kids had turned into octopuses and were attacking everyone in sight. Eventually, the Griffins came to Tom Tucker's house, Quahog's local news respondent. He ran outside, on fire, screaming for dear life. However, as he reached them, he stopped, seemingly ignoring it.

"Breaking news from Quahog: Fires blaze out of control through the city. Could your home be in danger? More on this at Eleven," he said, before face-planting into the sidewalk, still burning.

"Oh my god, Evil Monkey's in there!" Chris quickly ran towards the house. Once inside, he looked all around, and eventually heard grunting from upstairs and the sound of glass breaking. Heading upstairs, pushing through the flames, Chris came to Tom Tucker's son, Jake's, bedroom, where Evil Monkey was being attacked by one of the octopuses. "Get off him!" Chris grabbed the octopus, managing to rip him off, but it turned to Chris, angered. It had an upside-down face. "...Jake?" It grabbed hold of Chris's head now.

"Oh no, Chris!" Evil Monkey looked around for something to use. He came to a knife, but then noticed a bat and went for that... But it was then that he noticed one of Tom Tucker's extra mustaches lying on a dresser. He grabbed that and turned, throwing it like a boomerang at Squid Jake. It hit it in the back of the head, piercing it. Squid Jake fell off of Chris, landing on the mustache, sending it through is brain. He laid there, unmoving.

"You saved me!" Chris high-fived Evil Monkey.

"Yes, but now we have to escape!" The ceiling above the doorway collapsed, trapping them.

"We're trapped!"

"There's a window!" Evil Monkey moved to the window, opening it. "Come on!" He leaped out, landing in the driveway on his feet with ease. "Come on, Chris!"

"I don't know... That's pretty far."

"What are you talking about Chris? You did that same thing earlier," Lois called.

"Yeah, but there was a soft car to break the fall!"

"Come on Chris," Evil Monkey said, "Embrace your own Evil Monkey!"

Chris looked behind him at the flames, then down towards everyone below.

"Not that it's important right now, but uh... It's pretty chilly out here," Peter said. "Just sayin'."

Chris covered his eyes and leaped out of the window, just as the ceiling collapsed behind him. He landed on his stomach and uncovered his eyes.

"I did it. I'm alive!" He stood, and found that he had landed on Evil Monkey, who was now squashed and was stuck to his fat.

"Yeahh..." Evil Monkey raised a fist weakly, then fell over onto the ground.

"Oh no, it's Meg!" Lois pointed at Meg who was crossing the street towards them. There was nowhere to run.

"Chris..." Evil Monkey reached out for Chris. "Help me up."

Chris grabbed Evil Monkey's hand and helped him to his feet. He was still wobbly, but he was able to stand. He stepped towards Squid Meg.

"Monkey... What are you doing?"

"Chris, I'm doing what I've always done. Help people. Now go! I'll hold her off," he stated. The Griffins looked at each other.

"Thank you," Lois said before running off.

"Here, you deserve this pal." Peter tossed Evil Monkey the Monkey porno, following Lois. Monkey looked at the cover.

"Oh... Kinky." He rolled the magazine up. Chris walked up to him.

"I'll never forget you Evil Monkey."

"Nor will I forget you, Chris."

They exchanged a handshake.

"Run!"

Chris nodded, running off after his family. Evil Monkey took a deep breath and turned back towards Squid Meg, who was sitting there, glaring down at him.

"Come on then, bring it on!" He jabbed at her with the rolled up magazine. She threw her tentacles in the air, revealing her mouth and sharp teeth.

But, as she came down upon him, a light came down from the sky, burning Squid Meg. She slithered backwards, and Evil Monkey looked up.

"Am I... Going to Heaven? Yes! I knew all those good deeds weren't wasted!" He opened his arms wide, closing his eyes, rising into the sky... But the magazine didn't go with him. It stayed in place. "No... No!" He pulled and tugged on it, but, eventually, the light pulled him harder, and he let go of it, going higher and higher into the sky. "Noooooooooooooooo-"

His voice cut off as he disappeared in the night sky.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**In: Blades of Fate**


	4. Blades of Fate

**Chapter Four**

**Blades of Fate**

In an unspecified location in space, three pillars of light blasted through the darkness, coming from three different directions, heading straight for a large space-ship in the shape of a triangular-prism.

At very top-most point of the ship, a hooded figure watched from an observation platform at the three lights coming in their direction. Beside him was a fat, green alien, standing at about two feet tall, with long tentacles that appeared like dreadlocks atop his head.

"They have finally arrived," the alien stated in its alien tongue. Luckily, subtitles appeared near its torso so that it could be understood.

"Yess, good," the hooded figure stated.

Within a few moments, the lights converged upon the tip of the ship, entering the room. Three figures appeared from the lights in the room's center. Once the lights faded, the three heroes remained.

"What in the-" Hank looked around, sword still in his hand.

"Holy shit, that was awesome!" Stan raised his hands in the air. He then dropped them after a moment. "Where am I?"

"Oh my..." Evil Monkey looked around, equally as confused as the other two.

"Welcome heroesss," the hooded figure stated with a distinctive, whistling lisp. They all turned to him.

"That voice..." Evil Monkey set a hand on his chin. "Where have I heard it?"

"Oh you've probably ssssseen me around," the person stated, removing their hood.

"Mr. Herbert?"

"Yesss," Herbert the Pervert stated with a smile. "I've been watchin' Humanity sssso that I could choossse who would represssent us in the war."

"War? Listen sir, I'm a propane salesman. That's about all," Hank told Herbert.

"Then whats that in your hand?" Stan pointed at the sword Hank was holding.

"That isss a weapon of ssstupendous power," Herbert explained, approaching Hank and taking the blade, running a hand along it. "The Propane Blade emitsss a high-pressssure ssstream of propane, ssstrong enough to cut through sssteel!"

"I don't know if you're a junky or I'm dead, all I know is, I want to go back home," Hank stated, rubbing his forehead.

"So we were chosen for this war of yours?" Evil Monkey scratched his head. "What's this war even about?"

"Sssuch a tale could take ssseven-thousssand yearsss to tell," Herbert stated. "Frankly, my old heart couldn't sssurvive that long."

"Well," Stan began, "Do we get a cool sword like that if we join in the war?"

"Yesss. There are ssswords for all of you. They have chosssen you as their wielders," Herbert explained.

"I'm in," Stan said with a shrug.

"Wait wait..." Evil Monkey stepped forward. "Mr. Herbert, what will happen if we don't enter the war?"

"Earth asss we know it, will be dessstroyed." Behind Herbert, the small green alien typed in a few things on a console, and a holographic image of Earth appeared. "We will be deemed unworthy, and the All-Mighty One will erassse us from exissstence."

"Erased...From existence?" Evil Monkey shook his head. "I can't let that happen. I'll step up to protect Quahog! And, I guess, everyone else."

"And what of you?" Herbert turned to Hank, holding the Propane Blade out to him. "Will you ssstep up to the challenge? To protect the onesss you care about?"

Hank sighed. "I just can't. I don't know if this is all a crazy dream from inhaling propane all day long, but if it's not, I have a family to get back to."

"Dude, then why not fight? If you don't, they'll be dead anyways," Stan said.

"He's right," Evil Monkey agreed, nodding.

Hank turned to Stan. "Son, you're too young to know what it's like to lose your family. I don't think you understand."

"I understand," Stan said, looking down at the floor solemnly. "I understand completely..."

"Well then, Mr. Important, do you think that I, as a Monkey, wouldn't understand the value of family?" Evil Monkey glared at Hank.

"Listen, I'm not the victim here," Hank said, holding his hands up innocently. "I'd just like to go back to my job and my life."

"Well, I can't force you to ssstay," Herbert stated. "Sssuch an act would be ironic, with usss represssenting Humanity." Herbert shook his head, taking Hank's sword and handing it to the small green alien. The alien struggled to hold it and waddled off.

"Thank God," Hank said.

"Well, looks like it's just us," Evil Monkey said to Stan.

"Wait wait." Stan approached Hank. "Listen. I know you're too ignorant to listen to a kid, or a monkey, or an old man who's had a raging hard-on since I arrived, but be reasonable. If this _is_ a dream, then what's there to lose?"

"What the hell boy, speak English."

"If this is real, then your family's going to die if we lose this war. If it's a dream, say you're in some kind of coma or something, then maybe the war will stimulate you enough to wake you up?"

"If it is a dream, then why wouldn't I go spend the dream with my family?"

Stan looked down at the floor. "Well... You got me there. Do whatever the hell you want then." Stan backed away.

"Beginning transport back to Earth in ten seconds," the green alien stated in its garbled language from the computer console.

The pillar of light came up from the floor, enveloping Hank. "Good luck to you," Herbert stated.

"Thanks... I guess." Hank looked over at Evil Monkey and Stan, who were looking glum.

"5," the alien stated.

"4."

"3."

Hank was surprised as he saw a tear stream down Stan's face.

"2."

"1."

"Commencing-" The alien was interrupted as Hank spoke.

"Wait! God damn it..." Hank held up his hands. The alien disengaged the transporter, and the pillar of light dissipated. He sighed and turned towards Herbert. "I'll join your war, or whatever. Under one condition..."

* * *

Herbert and the three heroes took an elevator through the core of the ship. It was made of glass, allowing them to see all of the intricate interior of the ship, including mess halls, rooms full of computers, rooms full of weapons, and fully-loaded cocktail bars.

"This ship's badass," Stan commented. "You have the Playstation 8! We're only on 4 on Earth."

"Yesss, our technology is thirty yearsss ahead of Earth," Herbert explained. "For usss, the Playssstation can protect itsss usssers against credit card theft."

"Wow, that must be great," Stan said, watching the people playing their Playstation 8's until they passed it.

The elevator continued to go down and down til it reached the very bottom of the ship, stopping in a large, dark chamber. As the doors to the elevator opened, lights began to turn on in front of them, making a pathway leading to a pyramid structure at the end of the chamber.

"Thisss isss the place where the bladesss are kept," Herbert stated as they walked down the brightened path.

"So why are you out here all alone? There's a whole planet out there for you," Evil Monkey asked Herbert.

"Well, there wasss a time long ago when Humanity sssplit. Aliensss came and gave usss a choice to come with them. Thossse who believed in forward progresss went to ssspace. The ressst of usss ssstayed on Earth," Herbert explained.

"So the dumbasses stayed on Earth and the smart ones left and gained advanced knowledge and technology," Stan said.

"Precisssely."

The group arrived at the pyramid and walked up the steps towards the top. At the top were three alters, two of which had swords at their base.

"Here we are."

"Dude, sweet!" Stan quickly moved towards the blade on the right.

"Nuh uh uh," Herbert stated, "Yoursss is over there." He motioned towards the left blade. Stan walked over to it. "Your young mind isss full of wonder, Ssstanley. Mmm..." Herbert squinted his eyes as he looked at Stan.

"Uh..." Evil Monkey looked from Stan to Herbert. "So, is this one mine then?"

"Why yesss, Monkey. Your temperament isss your greatessst ssstrength, and your sssword ssshall prove thisss."

Evil Monkey walked up to his blade, grabbing hold of its hilt at the same time as Stan. Together, they held up their blades...

Stan's blade had a snaky curve shape and was made of a light-blue metal. The hilt of the blade was dark-blue, and had the word "Imagination" inscribed on it in silver.

Monkey's sword seemed to be a simple katana with a silver blade. "It just looks like an ordinary sword to me," Monkey commented.

"Oh, it'sss anything but. Asss your anger risssesss, your blade will transssform and become more powerful."

"Oh." Evil Monkey nodded in approval, swinging his blade about.

"It's super light," Stan commented, swinging his sword a bit. "But why does mine look like it's retarded?"

"The Imagination Blade will mold into anything you desssire. That isss merely itsss original form."

"Sweet." Stan held the blade forward and closed his eyes. They watched as the blade began to slowly mold and reshape itself. After a moment, it finished reshaping into the form of a taco blade. "This is the best!"

"And uh, what about me?" Hank motioned towards the third monument, which was empty.

"Yoursss is on itsss way, with the item that you requesssted," Herbert stated. As if on cue, they turned to see Hank's red Ford F-250 slowly driving up to the base of the pyramid, being driven by the small green alien.

"Ah! My baby!" Hank ran down the stairs. The small alien got out, and Hank quickly jumped into the cabin, feeling the steering wheel. "I'm glad you're alright."

"Ahem..." Hank turned to see the green alien standing there, holding the Propane Blade. Hank got out and took it from him.

"Uh, thanks." Hank examined the blade as the green alien walked off, muttering something about him under his breath, too far away for the subtitles to be read.

"What do you think," Herbert called from the top of the pyramid, "Do you feel more confident now?"

Hank swung the sword once, its metal gleaming from the lit-up path below his feet. He looked up at Herbert and the others.

"Hell yeah."

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**In: First Test**


	5. First Test

**Chapter Five**

**First Test**

Enigmatic shouts echoed throughout the halls of the Triman, the large prismatic Human colony floating through space, as word of the three heroes began to spread.

Little did they know that something approached them from the darkness... Something with the intent to destroy them all.

It came in a small, black space-ship, oddly in the shape of a dong. At the top of the ship was a black flag with a white skull on it, and two crossed penises.

They were the Spacedongs, a group of pirates and bandits.

And they were joined by the floating Lasagna.

"**I can sense his presence on the ship,**" the Lasagna stated, gazing out the frontal windows of the cruiser. "**Activate your cloaking devices.**"

The captain of the ship nodded, flipping a switch at the head controls. Suddenly, the black ship became transparent, invisible to the outside world. "It is done."

"**Good. Tell your men to prepare.**" The Lasagna glanced to the side to see the first mate of the crew, a dark-skinned woman, glaring at him. "**You know what I mean,**" he spat at her.

* * *

In the Triman, the three heroes found themselves in a blank, white room, blades in-hand.

"Now, I will activate the holo-deck," came Herbert's voice over the speakers. The white room suddenly began to change, fizzling out, reshaping into an expansive, grassy field with the bright Sun shining up above.

"This place just gets cooler and cooler," Stan commented.

"Keep your eyes peeled," Evil monkey told them, holding his sword in both hands, looking all around.

"Just what the hell are we supposed to be looking for?" Hank scratched his head, dropping the point of his sword. From behind him, a blue, holographic man appeared, approaching him with a sword raised in the air.

"Look out!" Stan pointed his sword towards the man, and, suddenly, the sword extended forward, piercing the hologram and making it dissipate.

"Wow, that was amazing Stan!" Evil Monkey gave Stan a thumbs up, oblivious to the fact that another of the holograms was coming to him from behind. It brought its sword down upon him, slicing right through him. Though there was no physical damage, Evil Monkey fell to his knees, holding his torso in immense pain. The Hologram tried to strike again, but Hank ran in, slicing through it.

"The hologramsss can't harm you, but they will sssend a sssensssation through your body as if they did," Herbert explained over the intercom.

"Thanks... for telling us..." Evil Monkey stood, a bit wobbly. All around them, many more holograms began to appear. The three moved tighter together, almost back-to-back, swords at the ready.

"Damn it, I'm too old for this," Hank muttered.

"I'm lacking enough fingers for this," Evil Monkey pointed out.

"And I'm a kid. You don't see me complaining," Stan said.

"Good point, I guess. Let's just kick some ass!" Hank ran forward, yelling, "Bwahhhhh!" As he reached the holograms, he sliced through one, then stabbed through another. As he turned to slash at yet another hologram, one of them grabbed his arms from behind, holding him. He struggled, but couldn't break free, and the hologram in front of him stabbed him through the stomach. Hank gasped in pain.

"Hank!" Evil Monkey ran towards Hank, slicing through the legs of the holograms as he passed them. He then leaped through the air, making various monkey noises as he approached Hank's assailants... However, before he could reach him, one of the holograms grabbed Evil Monkey's tail, pulling him back and slamming him onto the ground. It then brought its sword down upon him, but, luckily, Stan jumped in, slicing through it with his taco-shaped blade. "Thanks!"

"No problem. These guys are tough though." Stan and Evil Monkey got back-to-back as several of them ran their way. "Duck!" Evil Monkey got down to the ground as Stan changed his blade into a slinky-like form. He then swirled it around them in a circular pattern, cutting through all of the holograms around them.

"Wow, you're a natural!"

"I played a lot of video games. Now let's go help Old Guy!" Stan's sword retracted and the two ran over towards Hank, slicing through the holograms before they could strike him again.

"Thanks boys... Er..." Hank scratched the back of his head, looking at Evil Monkey.

"Yeah yeah." Evil Monkey shook his head, turning around. The three went back-to-back, facing off with the Holograms around them.

"We have to work together. There's no other way," Stan said.

"Now you're talkin' some sense," Hank stated.

The three tensed up, prepared to fight... However, suddenly, something crashed into the holo-deck...

It was the Spacedong ship. It skidded across the ground towards them, the broken piece of the wall being quickly covered by a security-breach door. The three heroes ran out of the way just in time as the ship came their way, destroying the holograms. The ship eventually stopped near the other side of the room.

"What on Earth..." Evil Monkey looked up at the ceiling. "Herbert...?"

"**I'm afraid that your friend can no longer hear you,"** came a voice from the wreckage. Hank's eyes widened and they watched as none-other than the floating Lasagna floated out from the ship.

"Lasagna!" Hank clutched his blade tighter, glaring at the floating dinner. "What'd you do with Dale!"

"Hank, calm-" Stan stopped as Hank ran towards the Lasagna, swinging at him. The Lasagna moved to the side, avoiding the assault with ease.

"**So eager for battle. Very well then!**" Before Hank could attack again, the Lasagna spewed sauce from its (mouth?) at him. Hank quickly ducked and rolled to the side. As he tried to stand again, his back popped.

"Gah, damn it..." Hank rubbed his back. The Lasagna was on him again in an instant. Luckily, Stan and Evil Monkey came in to assist, swinging at the Lasagna, making (him?) back away.

The Lasagna roared at them. "**Begone, pests!"** The Lasagna's body began to swirl around and form into a sphere shape, turning a tinge of brown, eventually forming into a large meatball.

"This is retarded," Stan commented.

The Lasagna rolled towards them, attempting to crush the three. Stan held his sword forward, closing his eyes and imagining it into the shape of a ramp. The Lasagna hit the ramp and flew right over them. However, this was short lived as the creature quickly came back around towards them again.

"How do we stop it?" Evil Monkey looked to the others.

"We slice it up into a million pieces!" Stan reformed his blade into that of a cheese-grater-like blade.

"No, it won't work," Hank told them.

"What?"

"It sounds crazy, but the more you chop it up, the more of him... It... Whatever there'll be," Hank explained.

The three tensed up as the Lasagna grew near. Stan reformed his blade back to normal, and the three leaped out of the way as it came to them. However, from the meatball came a long strand of noodle, grabbing hold of Evil Monkey's tail and pulling him in. He screeched, pulled in front of the meatball...

And he was crushed into the wall, red liquid being sent everywhere.

"Oh my god! He killed monkey," Stan exclaimed.

"Bastard!" Hank ran towards it, followed closely by Stan...

Then, suddenly, a sword came out of the other end of the meatball. The two stopped, confused, looking at the large, black-and-red blade. The meatball was rolled backwards, and Evil Monkey was standing in front of it.

"Monkey!" Stan took a step forward, but Hank grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. "What?" He turned and got a closer look at the situation...

Evil Monkey's fur was now pitch-black and his eyes were red. His sword had become a large, black broad-sword with a curved end. He had pierced straight through the Lasagna's meatball.

"**Gahh... You will pay for assaulting me, ape!" **The Lasagna struggled to try and break free, but he was being held in place.

Evil Monkey's breathing was slow and heavy. He glared at the Lasagna. "**NO,**" he spoke in a deep, grumbling voice, moving his sword and the Lasagna to the side, then swinging it hard, sending it flying across the Holo-Deck to the opposite wall. It slammed into it, squashing, reforming back into the Lasagna.

"You did it!" Stan raised his sword in the air, triumphant. However, Evil Monkey turned to the two of them, still steaming with anger. He slowly began to approach them, dragging his sword on the ground. "Monkey...?"

Evil Monkey screeched at them, running forward, swinging his blade horizontally at them. Stan ducked it, and Hank blocked it with his own sword. As their blades clashed, a powerful shock-wave shot out, sending Hank and Evil Monkey flying back, sliding away from each other.

"Monkey! Hank!" Stan looked towards the two of them. He then realized something... Looking across the room, the Lasagna was no longer where it had been moments ago.

"**Surprise, child,**" the Lasagna spoke from behind Stan. He turned, bringing his sword up. However, the Lasagna grabbed hold of his arm with a noodle arm, making him drop the sword. He then grabbed Stan by the neck, holding him up into the air.

"No!" Hank tried to stand, but his back continued to ache him. On the other side of the room, Evil Monkey's fur had turned back to its normal brown color, and he was barely recovering...

All seemed lost... Until the elevator door to the Holo-Deck opened.

The Lasagna turned to the elevator just in time to see a cloaked figure standing there, a large bazooka over their shoulder. "Dinner time," they spoke, firing the weapon. Rather than a rocket like expected, a giant fork with a rocket on the back shot out, piercing the Lasagna, making him drop Stan. The Fork Rocket sent the Lasagna straight through the wall of the Holo-Deck and out into space. As the hole opened, the air started to get sucked out of the room. Stan, unconscious began to slide towards it.

"I got ya'!" Hank ran over to Stan, grabbing his hand and struggling to walk away from the breach. Luckily, the emergency breach door covered up the hole, and Hank stumbled forward. He then looked around. "Did we win?"

"Not quite," the hooded man stated. "Bring the boy. We must go, now."

* * *

Hank, carrying Stan, and Evil Monkey, barely recovered, followed the newcomer up the elevator to the top of the Triman. The room was very patchy and roughed up. The computer terminal was almost completely destroyed, and bodies were strewn all about. Herbert stood, alone, staring out of the window at the outside space.

"What the hell happened here?" Hank looked all around. "Did the Lasagna do this?"

"He came with piratesss," Herbert stated, shaking his head. He turned to them, looking very solemn. "We were unprepared."

"We tried to stop him, but... It's impossible," Evil Monkey stated. "It's all our fault..."

"No no, it'sss my fault," Herbert stated, approaching them, looking at Stan. "I sssee now that you are not the onesss." He reached out towards Stan.

"Woh Grandpa, hands off," Hank said, moving away.

"I mussst heal his wounds. The one you know asss a Lasssagna would have likely tainted hisss body."

"Oh... Sorry." Hank held Stan forward. Herbert placed a hand on Stan's head, closing his eyes.

"Hmm... Mmm... Oh yeah... That'sss the good stuff... Mmm..." Herbert's hand began to glow blue. Hank and Evil Monkey watched in awe as Stan's eyes slowly opened.

"What... What happened?" Stan looked around weakly. "Did we win?"

"Not really kid," Evil Monkey told him.

"Well crap..."

Hank let Stan down to the ground.

"What happened to me?"

"This man saved your life," Hank explained. "And uh, this one too." Hank motioned towards the hooded man.

Stan turned to Herbert. "...Did you let him touch me?"

"We have more pressing issues," the hooded figure stated, approaching Herbert. "Like finding out just how the Spacedongs made it here without us knowing!"

"Spacedongs?" Stan chuckled.

"Thessse three are being targeted," Herbert stated. "They are a danger to usss all and cannot ssstay."

"What? After everything, you're going to get rid of us just like that?" Evil Monkey shook his head.

"What about the swords? The war?" Stan looked around at everyone.

"If the wise elder says you are not worthy, then you are not worthy," the hooded figure stated.

"Who the hell are you anyway?"

"Thisss is my mossst trusted advisssor," Herbert stated, placing a hand on the man's shoulder. "A watchful eye in another of the Human inversssesss."

The figure removed his hood. He had neatly-combed black hair and a rather-large butt-chin. "My name is Stan Smith."

"Hey, I'm Stan too," Stan said.

"Nobody cares kid. Anyways, you're all going to come with me," Smith stated.

"Now hold on just a second. I didn't come out to space to fight floating Italian cuisines and just get sent home, I tell you hwut," Hank told them.

"Do not worry," Herbert told them. "You and your loved onessss will be kept in sssafe, along with you all," Herbert assured them.

"Where the hell will we be safe if the Universe is gonna' be taken over?"

"You ssshall sssee, in good time." Herbert nodded to the three. "Good luck to you all..."

Smith nodded to Herbert, heading over towards the elevator. The three exchanged glances, then Stan and Evil Monkey walked after him, very downed. Hank opened his mouth to comment, but he stopped himself, shaking his head. He followed the others towards the elevator.

As the doors closed, so did their story...

...Or did it?

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**In: True Intentions**


End file.
